Codependency is Tiresome

Codependency is so hard.  It’s hard to live with it and even harder to heal from it.  Well, I guess until you know it’s codependency, you don’t know it, but once you have that knowledge and then attempt to deal with it…..I beat myself up daily because of it.  I look forward to my husband being gone for the day and yet when he is, I abuse myself and I say sequestered in my home because I can’t live without him.  It’s horrible.  When I am home alone, my go to thing is to eat.  Problem with that is I am diabetic ( type 2 ) and I’m not eating carrots and apples if you get my drift.  Then I am so so sick.  It’s so stupid that I do this to myself.  When he is home, he is my accountability though he has NO idea.  I’m a sad excuse most of the days of my life.

My name is Sky and I am codependent on my husband.  I cannot live without him.


Guilt and Shame

I feel guilty for writing this blog.  Crazy enough, I could probably write in here several times a day with my scribbles.  Maybe I need a daytime scribbles too.  Geesh.  It is easier to write anonymously and I do feel guilty for it but it’s the only way I can get this stuff  off my chest because I don’t have the nerve to share it with my real name.  I just don’t have enough of a support group to feel safe to do that.  I guess I will get over the guilt and feel the shame….that’s pretty normal though.

My guilt comes also from feeling so bad and pretty much never feeling good.  I know there is a stigma to depression and anxiety ( mental health in general really).  I realize that more people are speaking out about it…but I just don’t get the do-gooders who do that.  I know they mean well but all the advice that is out there, all the lists just tend to annoy me.  I have yet to find one that really makes sense to me.  That is wrong.  I did find one and I need to fine the link to share it.  It is such an individual thing…mental health.  I don’t know if it’s a disease.  I don’t really get it.  All I know is I feel stupid.  I feel weak and I don’t like to admit I have issues.  It doesn’t help that I don’t have a support group but that’s just life.  My depression and anxiety are, to me, a sign of my own weaknesses.  Yet….that isn’t how I see it in others.  I’m very hard on myself.

My name is Sky and I am my own worse enemy.  😦

I’m So Tired and Annoyed Tonight

But really, what’s new?  I think the Advil I’ve been taking at night in the last week and a half have caught up with me.  It causes me headaches during the day so I take Tylenol.  It’s a never ending cycle.  I was taking CBDS all winter and then this last batch we got freaked me out.  I woke in the middle of the night throwing up and having hallucinations more than once.  I’ve been thinking of getting some more as long as it’s not out of the same batch.  They did help with me sleeping at night and with my pain.  I just can’t deal the side effects.

Whenever I feel as annoyed as I am right now I get to wondering if I have anger issues.  I’m not one to express my anger.  In fact, it even came up in therapy a few years ago.  I let things stew until I blow my top.  It’s very unhealthy and it isn’t good for me or anyone around me.  I remember the anger my mom used to have when I was little girl and she would slap me and hit me and pull me around the house by my hair.  I have always been so scared and paranoid that I would do that to my kids so I never let myself get that mad.  My oldest son and I got into lots of yelling matches when he was in junior high.  It was horrible.  I hated how I lost control.  I hated myself so much for that.  I don’t let myself get mad at my husband because I can’t handle arguing with him.  I feel little and stupid so I just rather avoid it.  So I walk around like a firecracker ready to go off at anytime.  It’s awful.  I just don’t know how to deal with it, so I don’t.  And I wonder why I have sleep issues.

My Name is Sky and I am a loser; a tired loser.

Anxiety is about an 8 tonight

I’m not even sure what triggered it.  I just had a nice hot shower to try and ease the pain in my shoulders/neck/upper back area and my poor stomach.  Those are the main places where anxiety attacks me and depending on the severity…it can get pretty bad pain wise. I’m horrible at self-care though I continue to work on it everyday.  Doesn’t seem to help but I guess a nice hot shower could be considered self care.  I hate going to bed when I am this anxious.  I lay in bed and fret.  I’m so very tired though but as soon as I get to bed my eyes will pop open.  I guess that is one of the main reasons I started this blog.  Maybe writing it down will bring some sleep.  One can only hope.

When I get like this I go and disappear in my mind into a world that is not real.  It’s a world where I am confident and honest with my issues.  It’s a world where I actually have friends who I believe care.  It’s a world where I can be real and myself and not apologize.  I guess it’s a world that I wish my world was like.  When my husband was drinking I was widowed a lot in that world.  I’m not proud of admitting that.  I guess I just wish life was easier.  I wish I didn’t have anxiety so bad I can hardly ever leave my house.  I wish my depression didn’t take me to places that scare me to death.  I wish I had more in common with my husband and I wish he understood my depression and anxiety so I could at least talk to him about it.  It’s a disconnect between us.  I went on meds a few years back and he just freaked out.  He doesn’t believe in the medication because of the horrible side effects.  I don’t blame him for being afraid.  I am as well but he doesn’t live in my head. I continue to fight the battle without meds… far.

My eyes are tired and I need to get off my computer.  Thanks for letting me share.

My name is Sky and I am extremely anxious tonight.

Remembering…..Still Bitter

Yesterday my husband and I were heading to another city nearby and passed a sign for a little town.  I knew who was pastoring the church in that small town and it reminded me of the interactions I had with this man years before.  I knew him from church.  At the time he was not the Pastor and was working in construction ( or something else, I forget ).  I had befriended his wife because I had just suffered my fourth miscarriage and she was the piano player in the church and man, she could pound those keys.  I was led to talk to her and we became friends and she was a lifeline for me during this time.  My husband had had a vasectomy a few years before because of my miscarriages and problems.  Needless to say, things were tense when I miscarried this time and he wasn’t a great support to say the least.  In fact, he was an alcoholic and life was tough for me.  I asked this man if he would talk to my husband; if he would at least befriend him.  I don’t know what my expectations were but this was one of the times during our marriage I was desperate.  I had several of those times and each time I reached out to someone for help and each time, I got not help ( except the very last time).  Not only did this man not talk to my husband, but he never asked about me and shortly after this his wife withdrew from me.

We do not attend a church right now and my husband is three years sober.  If he hadn’t of sobered up, I would have left him.  He didn’t do it for me, he did it because he realized that the booze was affecting ALL areas of his life now.  I’m glad he stopped.

I was reminded that I was still hurt.  I was hurt because no one cared for the wife of an alcoholic and her kids even though they knew he drank a lot.  He is a very outspoken man who has authority issues so in a way I can see why people would not want to be involved.  Rather, get rid of the loud mouth, his alcoholic and drug smoking ways….that way we can’t see him and his family and it’s all good and we don’t have to get dirty.  I didn’t realize how bitter I was still.  My husband was “removed” from membership at one church.  They promised to help him and check it with him ( we attended for a while still ) and see how he was doing.  They didn’t.  I approached the pastor one morning in panic and he came over and told me I was depressed.  That’s the last he talked to me about it.  I didn’t know what to do.  Babies at home and depressed.  Husband at school or work fulltime/pissed when he is home and no one cared.  It’s so sad.  My babies are now 21 and 18 and I’m still bitter.

People ask why we don’t go to church.  So much of the reason for me has to do with this stuff.  I don’t really know what to do ( or maybe I don’t need to do anything).  What is my life now?  Depression, anxiety and bitterness.  CRAP!!  I didn’t realize the pain went so deep.  I’m alone in many ways still and I don’t know how to heal.  Maybe this blog will help me.  Maybe writing this stuff down will help the pain and start the healing process in areas I really need it.  Maybe, just maybe a glimmer of hope will show itself.

My name is Sky and I am bitter.  ❤

My Name is Sky

It’s the middle of the night and I can’t sleep….AGAIN!  Time to write my thoughts.  I’m not promising pretty thoughts.  I suffer from depression and anxiety and I am a deconstructing/reconstructing Christian so my mind is pretty messed.  My name is Sky.