Sweet Mylanta, What a Rough Week!

I’m exhausted from the sheer act of just trying to live.  My oldest son was supposed to find out about moving on Monday.  Him and his girlfriend found out the place had been rented from under them and at the very end of the month did finally get a place.  They had to have their stuff out of the old place to clean it but didn’t get the keys to the other place several hours later so my husband to the rescue with his trailer.  It worked out and they are moved in, mainly.

My youngest son has been job hunting so much the last couple month.  My husband threatened him to have a job by the end of the month or he is cutting off internet.  This caused much stress for my kid….luckily he did finally get an interview.  A day or two before that he broke out in hives so bad all over his body….everywhere!!!  He did make it to the dr. and it is getting better.  His interview went well and he should know next week for sure if he got the job.  We are pretty sure he did, mainly.

There was an incident with my husband that caused him to slip into the biggest and wore depression I have seen him in along with major anxiety.  He even told he wasn’t going to shoot his brains out.  ugh.  My own depression and anxiety get worse worse when my husband is like this.  Luckily, things seem to be calming down and he is better, mainly.

In the midst of all this, I am trying to control it all.  Seriously, I want everyone to feel better and to do better and well, surely I can be the hero.  NOT.  This is why I have anxiety so bad.  I took on all the emotions of my family members this week.  It was horrible.  I had just gotten over an anxiety stint where I was physically throwing up and then this…I’m so horrible at handling life and what it throws to me and my family.

I’m glad to say, everything seems to be better as of Saturday, while I am writing this.  Maybe I will get some rest after I visit with my parents tomorrow and get rid of my guilt for not visiting with them more.  The life of Sky.

My name is Sky and I have way more issues than I ever knew.

Advertisements

I’m So Sick of Being In My Own Head

I made this blog so I can, in a sense “bitch” anonymously or at least share stuff that I normally wouldn’t because I just don’t want or need the push back from people I know.  Truth is, I could write in here everyday about how horrible and tired I feel…unfortunately, I feel guilty.  I feel guilty about feeling shameful and about bitching.  I feel guilty that I can’t get out of this depressed state and that even the simplest of stuff gives me anxiety.  I feel guilty for allowing myself to be controlled by my husband and yet there is so much more to it than that.  I feel guilty for being so self-centered.  I believe mental health issues are very self-centered ( how can they not be ) and yet, what do you do?  It is what it is.  I know how important self-care is and yet, I’m too tired to do it.  I know how important rest is, and yet, I feel too guilty to nap.  If I don’t have a certain amount of stuff done in a day, I can’t nap.  That is me talking and it also prevents me from getting comments from my husband.  He’s not as bad as he used to be in that way, but I guess maybe I have improved as well.  Anyway, 4 days now taking Ferrous Sulfate for my low iron.  I hope I will see a difference soon.

My name is Sky and I am a total and utter hot mess!

Dr. Appt. and Lab Results

The CBDs seem to be working.  I say that because I know I am not trying as hard as I can with my health because of my anxiety and depression.  My sugar numbers were down ( WOOHOO) so still no meds for my diabetes.  My cholesterol improved.  My blood pressure was high but my dr. didn’t say anything about that.  I will keep an eye on it for a couple months and if it doesn’t improve I will go back.  I was on meds for high blood pressure a year ago but it got better AND I was allergic to the medication.  It gave me hives.  So, these are things at the dr. I am pleased about ( mainly).

Now the not so pleasing.  My iron numbers are off the chart.  They have been going down and down in the last 4 years and my dr. has always asked if I wanted to see a gynecologist but I always said no.  I didn’t get the choice this time.  She is wondering how I am even able to cope.  Truly doc, I’m not, barely.  So, I guess we will see what this brings.  I was really trying to avoid getting through this perimenopause/menopause without having surgery.  Maybe I still can.  I will see what the results are and the recommendations.  I also am starting to take iron pills as well.  I will go and talk to my pharmacist tomorrow.  I  asked my dr. about types of antidepressants/anxiety meds. I told her I wanted to know my options incase I decided to go through with going behind my husband’s back to go on meds.  We talked about that and how my marriage would be considered an unhealthy relationship.  Yes, I can see that ( and I knew that ).  I also told her that it has improved in the last three years since he stopped drinking.   I know that ultimately, only I can make the decision to go ahead and do what is best for me.  At the end of the day, I hope I have the courage to do that, even if it means going against what my husband wants for me.

My name is Sky and I wish I had someone in my life I could totally trust to talk about this stuff.

Sometimes You Need a Daytime Scribble!!

Monday afternoon and I’m bagged!  I went for bloodwork this morning and had to wait an hour and a half.  Such is life but waiting is so tiring!  Also, I didn’t get any shopping done because my son needed the car this morning.  None of this is a big deal.  Normal life.  I then came home and even though I want to nap because I was up at 6am this morning, I felt I needed to sweep and mop my floors and do laundry.  I guess I knew, without doing those chores, I wouldn’t have the freedom to say I am tired.  Why is that? It is because I have allowed that in my marriage.    Not only do I have issues with explaining my feelings, and even knowing them, I have to remember to always have a good reason for my tiredness because anxiety and depression don’t count.  I think that is why I struggle so much with the whole medication thing.  I do have a dr. apt this week and am considering asking for meds BUT the thing that causes me to stop and think is the fact that I can’t tell my husband because he will not allow it.  It’s true.  Not that he will physically do anything, but mentally, he will and he has and I have allowed it because I am a codependent and the thought of being all alone kills me, just the same way being here kills me sometimes.  It’s weird and it’s sad.

My name is Sky and I am weird and sad ( BUT I will be ok. I have to be.)

Bagged Out!

I’m so tired tonight.  I’m pretty sure it’s from the advil I took for pain.  That is kind of a last resort but I’m not sure how long I will be able to stay up, which is a bonus in a way….maybe I will actually sleep good tonight.  I live in a constant state of depression.  It isn’t always BAD but it is always there and it’s so tiring.  I finally went to the doctor yesterday and I will get all my bloodwork done so I can know where everything stands.  The whole idea of taking care of yourself when something is wrong with you seems to go out the window when you live depression or maybe it’s just me.  High blood pressure, high cholesterol, diabetic ( type 2 )….all of these things are treatable  with diet and exercise and yet, when you are depressed, ( well, when I am depressed ), it doesn’t happen like it should.  There are so many reasons to take care of myself but self-loathing seems to win over every time.  I did go for a walk tonight.  Not very long or far, but I did get out.  I guess I should be happy about that.

My name is Sky and I wish I could cope better.

Feeling pretty crappy!

It is finally a nice and beautiful day and the snow is melting and I should be happy and ecstatic!  I’m not.  In fact, I feel the shadow of depression coming on quite quickly and I don’t like it one bit.  Who does?  I’m so tired and I’m so sad.  There was this horrific bus accident in Saskatchewan, Canada.  It has taken such a toll on me even though I didn’t know any of the victims.  The thing is, my kids are pretty much the same ages of these young men and my husband used to drive a bus.  He used to drive for mission groups as well as teams…football, soccer and hockey.  It’s just nuts and so heartbreaking.  These kinds of things affect me so deeply, in fact, I have to be careful or it can send me to a really bad place, worse than my depression.  Anyway.  That’s where I’m at right now.

I hate depression so much.  As someone blogging I should attempt to be encouraging but to be honest, that isn’t so much what this blog is for.  It’s so I can be honest without judgement.  I hate depression and the thought of embracing it doesn’t even cross my mind.  I have a hard enough time accepting I have it and I have to deal with it never mind loving it.  Anyway, before I get really mouthy, I will sign off.

My name is Sky and I am very very sad.

I am so Freaking Annoyed! AGAIN.

Ugh.  It seems like it is my resting face, though I’m usually pretty good about hiding it.  To be honest, I’m not totally sure why am feeling this way.  I think I just have so much anger inside that some needs to come out once in a while.  You see, I am one of those fools that hold my emotions in, esp. anger.  I might have posted about it before but I am so afraid of my anger and what it will turn me into, that I just stuff it into my body and then I wonder, why my health suffers.  I know it isn’t good health wise to do that but it’s all I can do.  I hate writing when I am angry too.  I don’t like my words, or how I sound and since I know I’m angry, I can pinpoint the sarcasm and ugliness.  My mom used to get really angry when I was a little girl and used to hurt me.  I’m sure that is why I have issues with it.  I just don’t really remember being angry as a child and yet, I was a sad and depressed kid starting in grade 6.  I don’t know what happened.  I don’t want to sit here and try to remember either.

I watched a movie with my husband tonight.  It was a good and a nice way to start winding down.  Speaking of which….my CBDs are kicking in so I really have to go before I fall asleep on my laptop.

My name is Sky and I sometimes wonder if the little girl in me is trying to tell me something.

No Sugar Added Chocolates

I went and bought four different kinds today and felt the need to have one of each.  Bad mistake.  My stomach is gurgling like MAD and I daren’t go very far from the bathroom.  These will be nice, one at a time, when I’m craving sweets.   I remember a few years back I bought a bag of chocolate colored almonds ( no sugar added/same brand actually) and I ate the whole bag right away.  It wasn’t very much but I soon found out, that’s why there weren’t very many in the bag.  Obviously that experience happened long ago enough I didn’t think.  Anyway.  I am surviving.  🙂

Gonna go and watch a movie with my husband.  Tbh, I really don’t want to.  Seriously would just rather blog and organize my office.  I will watch a movie though.  I’ll be back later.  Maybe. Hopefully.

My name is Sky and the bathroom is my BFF.

 

Frustrated With Myself

I wish I didn’t have such horrible self-esteem and identity issues.  I wish I could see me for what I truly am.  Instead, because of past issues, I see myself as worthless.  UGH!  I’ve been over this so many times in counseling and it just doesn’t change. Then things like depression, anxiety, perimenopause, fibro, diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, digestive issues…come along and I beat myself up.  I know many of them have to do with each other and actually are because of how poorly I handle my anxiety.  It’s times like this I wonder about meds again.  Maybe, it would be way better and way easier if I was on meds but then I would have to put up with my husband who is 100% against me going on anxiety meds or antidepressants or else I would have to sneak it around him.  I did that once before but I didn’t feel right.  I think though if I truly couldn’t make it without the meds, I would go on them and I would outright lie about it to him.  BUT for now, I don’t have to do that.  I will do this. Somehow.  I am going into town tomorrow to take care of the dogs so I will make a dr. apt and get things rolling the way they need to be.  I imagine since I will be 50 soon, it will be time for my first mammogram.  Fun times being a woman.  Get to get my boobs smashed and deal with stupid perimenopause from hell.  I hear that will only get worse and I am five years in already.  What a joke life.

My name is Sky and I’m almost 50.

Waiting for my Sugar to Go down…

so I can go to bed.  I have finally learned that I sleep way better ( with the CBDs of course)  when my sugar is normal.  The last few nights since I have started on this new batch of CBDs my sugar has been down and I have actually got more than 6 hours of sleep.  OK…just over 6 hours but more than it was.  Now if I could just quit waking up to pee.  🙂  I might end up going for a little walk tonight.  It’s 11:17 pm and it’s pretty muddy out but I want my sugar to go down.  Also, the only night that my sugar is high at night in the last week is the only day I actually made my step count.  I have so much room for improvement but I have really been trying.  I started tracking in a food journal again to keep track of carbs and I have a couple goals.  I will change my goals every two weeks to keep things fresh.  I’m also trying harder at finding some decent snacks.  I’m not on meds for my diabetes but I am worried that time is coming so maybe I can improve things before I go to the dr.  I need to make an apt but I have been saying that for the last year.  I’m supposed to go every three months but for those of you who suffer anxiety, you may understand how hard it is and how hard it is to even leave my house alone.  Maybe now that Spring is trying to come, I can get better.  I can only hope.  I have so many concerns about going to the dr.  I will end that here though and share about that another time.

My name is Sky and I am trying.

Waiting for Sleep to Hit

I’m so relieved and hopeful for a couple reasons.  I mentioned in another post I’m So Tired and Annoyed Tonight  that I had been taking CBDs but had to stop because the batch was way to strong.  I’ve been off them for a couple months and the night time pain has been so bad.  I have undiagnosed fibro and the CBDs had really been helping it.  I’ve been living on Advil.  Today, I got a new batch of CBDs and not only that, it is infused ( not sure if that’s the right word ) with coconut oil so I am hopeful it won’t be as strong and that I will soon be back to just mild pain that doesn’t need meds.  I am also looking forward to a good night sleep…well, at least 7 hours.  The last two weeks it’s been between 4 and 5 hours and very restless.

Another reason I am hopeful is because of a movie trailer I saw today:  Mr. Rogers Documentary .  I had just read some tweets earlier and I was feeling so discouraged about mankind and it’s need for us to be better than the next person and put each other down and be so hateful.  Kindness and Love seem to have gone by the wayside.  Who can represent kindness, thought, better than Mr. Rogers?  It gave me hope because I still believe that there are  some kind people out there.  I strive to be one of them and I am looking forward to this movie.

See, not all my posts have to be gloomy and doomy.  🙂  I will take today and feel hope and remember this day because I know that depression is quick about trying to take the good away from you. Right this moment, I will not allow that!

My name is Sky and I am hopeful!

Codependency is Tiresome

Codependency is so hard.  It’s hard to live with it and even harder to heal from it.  Well, I guess until you know it’s codependency, you don’t know it, but once you have that knowledge and then attempt to deal with it…..I beat myself up daily because of it.  I look forward to my husband being gone for the day and yet when he is, I abuse myself and I say sequestered in my home because I can’t live without him.  It’s horrible.  When I am home alone, my go to thing is to eat.  Problem with that is I am diabetic ( type 2 ) and I’m not eating carrots and apples if you get my drift.  Then I am so so sick.  It’s so stupid that I do this to myself.  When he is home, he is my accountability though he has NO idea.  I’m a sad excuse most of the days of my life.

My name is Sky and I am codependent on my husband.  I cannot live without him.

 

Guilt and Shame

I feel guilty for writing this blog.  Crazy enough, I could probably write in here several times a day with my scribbles.  Maybe I need a daytime scribbles too.  Geesh.  It is easier to write anonymously and I do feel guilty for it but it’s the only way I can get this stuff  off my chest because I don’t have the nerve to share it with my real name.  I just don’t have enough of a support group to feel safe to do that.  I guess I will get over the guilt and feel the shame….that’s pretty normal though.

My guilt comes also from feeling so bad and pretty much never feeling good.  I know there is a stigma to depression and anxiety ( mental health in general really).  I realize that more people are speaking out about it…but I just don’t get the do-gooders who do that.  I know they mean well but all the advice that is out there, all the lists just tend to annoy me.  I have yet to find one that really makes sense to me.  That is wrong.  I did find one and I need to fine the link to share it.  It is such an individual thing…mental health.  I don’t know if it’s a disease.  I don’t really get it.  All I know is I feel stupid.  I feel weak and I don’t like to admit I have issues.  It doesn’t help that I don’t have a support group but that’s just life.  My depression and anxiety are, to me, a sign of my own weaknesses.  Yet….that isn’t how I see it in others.  I’m very hard on myself.

My name is Sky and I am my own worse enemy.  😦

I’m So Tired and Annoyed Tonight

But really, what’s new?  I think the Advil I’ve been taking at night in the last week and a half have caught up with me.  It causes me headaches during the day so I take Tylenol.  It’s a never ending cycle.  I was taking CBDS all winter and then this last batch we got freaked me out.  I woke in the middle of the night throwing up and having hallucinations more than once.  I’ve been thinking of getting some more as long as it’s not out of the same batch.  They did help with me sleeping at night and with my pain.  I just can’t deal the side effects.

Whenever I feel as annoyed as I am right now I get to wondering if I have anger issues.  I’m not one to express my anger.  In fact, it even came up in therapy a few years ago.  I let things stew until I blow my top.  It’s very unhealthy and it isn’t good for me or anyone around me.  I remember the anger my mom used to have when I was little girl and she would slap me and hit me and pull me around the house by my hair.  I have always been so scared and paranoid that I would do that to my kids so I never let myself get that mad.  My oldest son and I got into lots of yelling matches when he was in junior high.  It was horrible.  I hated how I lost control.  I hated myself so much for that.  I don’t let myself get mad at my husband because I can’t handle arguing with him.  I feel little and stupid so I just rather avoid it.  So I walk around like a firecracker ready to go off at anytime.  It’s awful.  I just don’t know how to deal with it, so I don’t.  And I wonder why I have sleep issues.

My Name is Sky and I am a loser; a tired loser.

Anxiety is about an 8 tonight

I’m not even sure what triggered it.  I just had a nice hot shower to try and ease the pain in my shoulders/neck/upper back area and my poor stomach.  Those are the main places where anxiety attacks me and depending on the severity…it can get pretty bad pain wise. I’m horrible at self-care though I continue to work on it everyday.  Doesn’t seem to help but I guess a nice hot shower could be considered self care.  I hate going to bed when I am this anxious.  I lay in bed and fret.  I’m so very tired though but as soon as I get to bed my eyes will pop open.  I guess that is one of the main reasons I started this blog.  Maybe writing it down will bring some sleep.  One can only hope.

When I get like this I go and disappear in my mind into a world that is not real.  It’s a world where I am confident and honest with my issues.  It’s a world where I actually have friends who I believe care.  It’s a world where I can be real and myself and not apologize.  I guess it’s a world that I wish my world was like.  When my husband was drinking I was widowed a lot in that world.  I’m not proud of admitting that.  I guess I just wish life was easier.  I wish I didn’t have anxiety so bad I can hardly ever leave my house.  I wish my depression didn’t take me to places that scare me to death.  I wish I had more in common with my husband and I wish he understood my depression and anxiety so I could at least talk to him about it.  It’s a disconnect between us.  I went on meds a few years back and he just freaked out.  He doesn’t believe in the medication because of the horrible side effects.  I don’t blame him for being afraid.  I am as well but he doesn’t live in my head. I continue to fight the battle without meds…..so far.

My eyes are tired and I need to get off my computer.  Thanks for letting me share.

My name is Sky and I am extremely anxious tonight.

Remembering…..Still Bitter

Yesterday my husband and I were heading to another city nearby and passed a sign for a little town.  I knew who was pastoring the church in that small town and it reminded me of the interactions I had with this man years before.  I knew him from church.  At the time he was not the Pastor and was working in construction ( or something else, I forget ).  I had befriended his wife because I had just suffered my fourth miscarriage and she was the piano player in the church and man, she could pound those keys.  I was led to talk to her and we became friends and she was a lifeline for me during this time.  My husband had had a vasectomy a few years before because of my miscarriages and problems.  Needless to say, things were tense when I miscarried this time and he wasn’t a great support to say the least.  In fact, he was an alcoholic and life was tough for me.  I asked this man if he would talk to my husband; if he would at least befriend him.  I don’t know what my expectations were but this was one of the times during our marriage I was desperate.  I had several of those times and each time I reached out to someone for help and each time, I got not help ( except the very last time).  Not only did this man not talk to my husband, but he never asked about me and shortly after this his wife withdrew from me.

We do not attend a church right now and my husband is three years sober.  If he hadn’t of sobered up, I would have left him.  He didn’t do it for me, he did it because he realized that the booze was affecting ALL areas of his life now.  I’m glad he stopped.

I was reminded that I was still hurt.  I was hurt because no one cared for the wife of an alcoholic and her kids even though they knew he drank a lot.  He is a very outspoken man who has authority issues so in a way I can see why people would not want to be involved.  Rather, get rid of the loud mouth, his alcoholic and drug smoking ways….that way we can’t see him and his family and it’s all good and we don’t have to get dirty.  I didn’t realize how bitter I was still.  My husband was “removed” from membership at one church.  They promised to help him and check it with him ( we attended for a while still ) and see how he was doing.  They didn’t.  I approached the pastor one morning in panic and he came over and told me I was depressed.  That’s the last he talked to me about it.  I didn’t know what to do.  Babies at home and depressed.  Husband at school or work fulltime/pissed when he is home and no one cared.  It’s so sad.  My babies are now 21 and 18 and I’m still bitter.

People ask why we don’t go to church.  So much of the reason for me has to do with this stuff.  I don’t really know what to do ( or maybe I don’t need to do anything).  What is my life now?  Depression, anxiety and bitterness.  CRAP!!  I didn’t realize the pain went so deep.  I’m alone in many ways still and I don’t know how to heal.  Maybe this blog will help me.  Maybe writing this stuff down will help the pain and start the healing process in areas I really need it.  Maybe, just maybe a glimmer of hope will show itself.

My name is Sky and I am bitter.  ❤

My Name is Sky

It’s the middle of the night and I can’t sleep….AGAIN!  Time to write my thoughts.  I’m not promising pretty thoughts.  I suffer from depression and anxiety and I am a deconstructing/reconstructing Christian so my mind is pretty messed.  My name is Sky.

20180222_1928461953594534.jpg